A Fast and Cheap Gourmet
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Roger Wilco and his family genuflect on the delicacies and sumptuous dishes of Monolith Burger as they eat its food. Roger is very philosophical about Monolith here. McDonald's, anyone?


**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Space Quest_; Mark Crowe and Scott Murphy created it, and Sierra On-Line Inc. owns it.

* * *

It was a pleasant day in outer space. Roger Wilco, his wife Beatrice Wankmeister, and their son Roger Wilco Jr., had some time off from going on un-looked for adventures, and were visiting one of the millions of Monolith Burger Fast Food Dives to have some fun and a warm, tasty meal.

"Junior, did you know that Monolith Burger is the most popular and best fast food chain in the galaxy of Earnon," said Roger, "and that it has some of the best food in the galaxy?"

"Sure, dad," said Junior, "Why, I'm also aware that this joint has some of the best arcade games a kid could hope for, even though Astro Chicken, one of the greatest, often dominates the arcades. That, and it's sequel, Ms. Astro Chicken. I want to play those games, dad. Can I, please?"

"It's all right with me," said Roger, "but make sure your mother is also fine with it."

Beatrice laughed. "Of course it's all right with me, son. Enjoy your meal first, and then you can have a half hour to enjoy Mr. and Ms. Astro Chicken."

"Thanks, mom and dad!" Junior said excitedly.

They parked their starship, which resembled Roger's old private ship, the _Aluminum Mallard_, and entered the restaurant, taking in the colorful sights, the delicious smells, and the surly crowds. Junior tried to muscle his way into an area dominated by long lines, but an alien customer angrily demanded that he wait his turn, and tossed him like a rag to emphasize his point. Beatrice, fortunately, was there to catch him.

"Don't go into the long lines, Junior," admonished Roger gently. "As a Monolith Burger veteran, I know where to go to find an empty line. Let's go over here, to the other side of the counter." They walked up to the counter and met a Zitoid alien employee, a species well known for working in Monolith Burger joints. She fiddled around a little with her open zit-like appendages on her face, and then asked, "Welcome to Monolith Burger. What would you like today? Our standard Monoliths, with or without polycheese, are as fresh and tasty as ever, but the Filet-O-Orat and Big Belcher Combo are here, too, for the more adventurous. And I might recommend the Monolith Fun Meal for your little youngling. What'll you have?"

Roger said, "I'll have your Big Belcher Combo, complete with a Jumbo Monolith Cheeseburger, extra-salty Space Fries, and a large Cola soft drink. I want to enjoy all of the best you have to offer."

"Excellent choices, sir," said the Zitoid. "And how about the lady and the kiddo? What'll you have?"

Beatrice, who had shaken her head at her husband's choice, ordered a Monolith Burger with polycheese, medium Space Fries, and a bottle of white wine, and for Junior she ordered a Monolith Fun Meal.

"Coming right up!" said the alien clerk, calling the cooks with the order. Three minutes later, their food was ready and waiting. Beatrice paid the appropriate amount of buckazoids. "Have a nice day!" the clerk said.

They sat down and began to eat. Roger Sr. craved every bite of his food. The meat and cheese of a Jumbo Monolith Cheeseburger felt so tasty, he believed he could look at animals, herbivores and predators alike, feeding and being made into food, and always think of this FOOD! The Space Fries also made him imagine people and animals of all kinds eating and being eaten, and making it all seem so yummy. The salt and the crispiness did that to him. And the Cola not only quenched his thirst, but also gave him the feeling of refreshing, flavored spring water in his mouth, only with sugar added.

Beatrice enjoyed her food too, but she wondered how Roger could look at or imagine pictures of hunting predators while eating it. It didn't make sense to her, but she accepted it, because she loved him so much. This ran through her mind as she munched on her burger and fries. And as for Junior, he was plowing through his child-friendly Fun Meal. The yummy patties, the imitation cheese, the veggies, and three lichen fries hit the spot. The Twinkie that everything in the Mini Monolith Burger was tasty enough to satisfy his sweet tooth, and so were the krill cookies. Even the split banana was surprisingly good. And of course, he found the Monolith Burger Prize O' the Day, which was an action figure of Ms. Astro Chicken.

Of course, he was the first to finish his meal. Roger lent him some buckazoids to play in the arcade, and for a half hour, Junior entertained himself with the Astro Chicken games, as well as a few others, while Beatrice amused herself by watching her husband continue his big combo meal.

Junior was a newbie at playing the Astro Chicken series, but he played it like a pro, and when his parents came over to see how he was doing, Roger commented that Junior had beaten his record at Astro Chicken, and was already a master of Ms. Astro Chicken. Pleased at how much fun their son had had that day, the Wilco family decided to go home.

On the way, when they returned to their starship, Roger turned a little green and made the signature belch that all Monolith Burger veterans made after eating the Big Belcher Combo. Junior laughed. "Good one, dad!"

Beatrice said, "Now, Roger, I've told you before, you've got to stop eating those. Big Belcher Combos. You never know when they'll become hazardous to your health."

Roger recovered himself, looked at his wife, and said, "Believe me, my love. I will never give up eating the food that's just like the food mother used to make. To stop eating whatever I want at Monolith Burger would betray my favorite principle."

Beatrice said, "And that is?"

Roger looked thoughtful. "That a good burger-and-fries lover should always eat what he loves in order to retain his joy in living life, because Monolith Burger is like a chapel to me. It's where I discovered joy. It's also where we got married, remember? We were wed in the very Fast Food Dive in Sector 62 where I was sent on a mission to rescue the Two Guys From Andromeda from the Pirates of Pestulon."

Beatrice blinked. "Oh, of course, now I remember! Of course, let's not take away _my_ joy in life, either. The Star Confederacy, remember?"

"How can I forget?" said Roger. "I still have the scars from when I was dumped off the crew of the SCS Eureka."

"So do I," laughed Beatrice. "Remember the mutation I almost went through?"

They laughed together. Junior asked, "What's so funny?"

Roger and Beatrice smiled at him. "We'll explain it on the way home," Beatrice said. "Take pleasure in knowing that your father is one of the greatest heroes in the galaxy, not to mention one of the most bumbling and underrated, too." She grinned at Roger.

Roger playfully punched her arm. They left Monolith Burger, the best fast food chain in Earnon, with the memories of simple gourmet on their minds. But Junior was also wondering what kind of heroic things his parents would tell him on the way home.


End file.
